Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Stomach TV

I had a Gastroscopy yesterday. Man, I was dreading it for weeks. And guess what: it was worse than I feared.

But first you must realize that I am a very low pain threshold (ie., I am a wimp).

The set up. Cannot eat from 9 pm the night before. Come to work and drink lots of water. Worrying, worrying, dreading. Ready to go at 12. Very hungry.

Gastro Polyclinic in Jarov with bunch of geezers (holding something that I thought looked like colostomy bags although I am sure that is not nearly correct). Feeling sorry for these guys if they are waiting for the doctor. Then thinking that they are feeling sorry for this younger foreigner.

Ok, to the changing cabin and shirt off, (sucking gut in for the audience), and then to the operating table. Ok, it was more like a dentist's office with a table instead of chair.

If you saw it as a film you would have laughed. First they give me a shot (Diazeprim [sp?] to relax me) which turned me into a silly stumbling idiot. They they sprayed my mouth with something similar to novacaine. Twice, until I was coughing.

Ok, lying on the side, two nurses with hands on shoulders, and one nice lady doctor, holding the black one cm cable that looks like something out of Matrix. Me; eyes closed, waiting for pain.

Okay insert, insert, gag, insert, gag, gag, insert, nurse chatter (in Czech), insert, hands gripping shoulders and hip, and one leg. Gag, GAraRARghe!! Stop.

Rest. Nurse doctor chatter, to the effect of 'what are we gonna do with this guy?'

Me: whimpering, crying, wiping mouth (it wasn't really vomit, but it was gooey).

Okay, holding me down now, tight grips on various body parts. Rubber mouth guard, and newly persistant doctor, insert, insert, gag, body convulsion, insert, SHOVE, SHOVE, SHOVE, gag, GAARRAghe\, spittle, Deep throat (well, the thought flashed in my mind), aaggghe,convulse, convulse, kick a nurse (oops sorry, bitch!) tight grip, bruised arm, SHOVE, steady, and now for something new.. TWIST for better camera angle, aGagggggah, and then pull, some guts coming out with it? please, god noooo!

All done. I really wanted a cigarette. Throat hurts, still does a day after. Really, like I swallowed a wallnut or had strep throat.

Man, I never want to do that again.

But I hear the colonoscopy is better.

2 comments:

Richo said...

When can we see the motion picture?

You just want to hope that the colonoscopy is not addictive.

Anonymous said...

Dan,

Remember that next time you are.... (Wait a sec, does Mom read this? Guess I'll have to censor this)... watching a girl eat a really big banana.

Larry